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There was a weird excitement that I had in every part of my body knowing that I was the only one who knew that my tinder profile was set on “show me everyone”. 

And it was really exciting when I started matching with people who were not cis men. 

But once I saw someone I knew, I would delete the whole app because that meant they would know that I’m queer before I was able to say it out loud. 

I was scared. 

I was nervous that somehow someone would find my mom and tell her. 

I deleted the app maybe 12 times in 18 months. 

It’s not that I’m afraid of what my moms going to say about me.

She is my favorite person and literally an angel.

My dad has already expressed in the past that when a girl is gay it’s different... 

Yeah, I don’t really know. 

I’m still trying to teach him and he’s still learning. 

I think it’s just the fact of me trying to figure all this shit out. 

I remember telling my friends at a taqeria during summer break when I came back home that I was queer.

They’re both gay.

And they said they already knew.

Once I started telling people and coming out, they told me they already knew.

What the fuck. 

How.

Why didn’t they tell me so I didn’t have to waste so much water from ugly crying... like really ugly crying in the shower as I thought of how to tell my parents and sisters.

I remember going on my first date with a woman. 

She was born in Bangladesh and moved here around 7 or 8.

Her accent. Her eyes. Her smile. 

I will never forget her. 

Just walking around with her, sitting across from her, as I let her give me a “tour” of Philly even though I knew where everything was, it made me feel relieved.

But now that everyone knows I’m queer I think they forget that I like whoever I want to like which included men too. 

I would tell someone that I had I date with a guy and they would say “but I thought you were gay?” 

Like I am but I’m still attracted to men too.

People in the queer community would look a certain way at me if I said that to them.

Once again, what the fuck. 

Why are y’all doing that. 

To sum this whole entire thing up. 

Yes, I’m queer. 

No, I didn’t like any of you white girls that I grew up dancing with or danced with in high school. 

Yes, I did look at your boobs when you changed in front of me because how could I not. 

I’m going to like and be with whoever the fuck I want to like and be with. 

Simple as that.

weezie bby